


Those in the light know we die in the dark

by Sylenis



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Discussions of War, Discussions of panic attacks, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of matt, Night Terrors, PTSD, Post S8, after s8, can be read as platonic, discussions of physical violence, don't worry he's alive, s8 spoilers?, some of the shit they've seen, there's a bit of cussing too, they're all adults here, you can't tell me these kids don't wake up screaming in the nigh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 10:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17302787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylenis/pseuds/Sylenis
Summary: She'd never been kidnapped like Matt, experimented on like Shiro.He had to stop looking at her like that. It wasn't the same.Tagging this as much as possible to be safe. I would not be surprised if the paladins had regular nightmares. Pidge included.





	Those in the light know we die in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> Kosmo is essentially an emotional support animal at this point, he's the best boy.

The darkness was cold, the silence deafening. Black and cold were pressing in, suffocating- It wasn't space, and it wasn't the sea. An endless expanse of black, smooth and glassy and pulling her down, down, so cold-  
She wanted to fight, but she couldn't move, limbs sluggish as though she were trying to writhe and punch through water, or something thicker.   
  
The darkness shifted, now glowing eyes were sneering at her, teeth and snarls and cold laughter. She kicked, struggled, beat back at the soldier bearing down on her, crushing against her chest. Pushing, fighting, suddenly movement was returned to her and she pressed up, rushed forward and she ran him through, laughing, triumphant-  
The mask fell away and her brother's blank face stared down, eyes dark and glassy and lips smeared with blood. No-  _No-_  
" _Matt-_ "  
  
Pidge jerked forward into consciousness, hand getting caught in bed sheets as it made its way to her hip to retrieve a weapon she no longer had. For a moment she struggled under the fabric, blinking and trying to focus in the dark. 

  
Except it wasn't dark. She was in her cabin, and there were orbs of blue floating around up by the ceiling like eerie fireflies. She turned her head to come face to face with a pair of large yellow eyes. 

  
"Kosmo-" her voice was dry and came out all wrong. The wolf let out a soft whine and she realised his paws were on the bed, one pinning her legs down, the other by her side as he cocked his head at her. "-What are you doing in here?" 

  
Shudders were still running through her body as the nightmares blotted the edges of her vision and she choked back a sob, lying back against the pillow. She wanted her brother.  
The wolf whined again, and hopped up onto the bed, curling around her head. Mostly on instinct Pidge twisted around to bury her head in the thick fur of his shoulder, trembling. He must have heard her, or sensed her or something, and the thought made her cry harder, with what? Shame? Relief? Fear? She clenched her fingers tightly around tufts of hair so that she didn't have to feel them quake.

Over his slow calm breathing, the familiar hum of engines worked their way into her senses. It settled over the roaring in her skull and made it slowly ebb away. She could concentrate on the rhythmic thrumming, forcing herself to breathe and try to control her sobs.   
  
It was never really silent on a ship and for that she was grateful.  
  
A low hiss sounded across the room and she opened an eye. A strip of light fell across her face and there was a shadow in her doorway.  
"There you are- come on- out, before you-" A figure was whispering low but harsh, admonishing and she saw Keith's face change as he paused mid sentence, mouth slightly open. "-wake her... up. Pidge." 

Shit, she should have pretended to be asleep. Did he know? Could he see her face in this light?

  
He stepped into the room, frown lit up blue and worried by Kosmo's luminescent stripes.  
"Bad night?" She sat up from the wolf, shivering a little where the blanket had fallen away.

  
"M'fine." She muttered, wincing when her voice came out unsteady and cracked as he neared her.  
"You look pale. Nightmare?" He'd gotten a pouch of water from somewhere and handed it to her before sitting on the edge of the bed by the wolf's large haunches, looking away to let her wipe her face with her hand.

  
"It's not a big deal. It's not like I went through anything as bad as the others." She felt small, dumb under his gaze. She'd never been kidnapped like Matt, experimented on like Shiro. Allura had lost her planet, her family, witnessed the beginning of the 10,000 year war. Keith rarely spoke about it but she knew. Knew he had demons dating back to even before they became paladins. Losing his father. Naxzela. Fighting for his life against a clone wearing his dearest friend's face. 

  
"Don't say that." He said quietly, looking back to her as she slowly drank from the pouch. The space wolf rested his chin on her thigh, a warm weight against her. "It was a war. We were all there. We were all affected."  
  
"Sometimes I have to fight with Matt." She said, squeezing the pouch involuntarily. He had to stop looking at her like that. It wasn't the same.  _It wasn't the same_. "He dreams of the prisons. He can't wake up, and I have to try and wake him up before he hurts himself." 

  
Pidge brought her knees up to her chest, holding her legs close to herself, trying not to cry again even with the memory of her brother clutching her middle, weeping into her stomach and choking out apologies for a fresh bruise on her wrist. She'd merely held onto him tightly, whispering what little comfort she could provide.

It had been Hell on Earth for Pidge, not knowing for so long where her brother and father had been, desperately seeking and always, always fearing the worst- but that was nothing compared to what Matt himself had been through on the other side of the coin. For as much as he liked to regale anyone who would listen with daring tales of "grand theft spaceship", breaking and entering Galran bases to set up bombs or liberate civilians, the work he'd done had been terrifying, dangerous and in some cases not much better than being stuck in a work camp.

  
"Shiro once clocked me one in the face when I tried to wake him up." Keith gave a small laugh as he touched the left side of his jaw. "Hurt like a bitch but I shouldn't have tried to restrain him."

  
"The last time Hunk visited," She said slowly, so quietly he turned his head to listen better, "we couldn't sleep, either of us- we both woke in the night. We ended up getting drunk in the kitchen and- and just crying. About people we never met- on planets we couldn't save. Seeing ruins, and- and bodies- and-" Her voice rose and the shivers returned to her fingers, her stomach shuddering and twisting, flashes of barren planets, torn apart buildings and the smell of scorched soil, of burning flesh. Suddenly his warm hand was on her arm, feeling up to her shoulder to squeeze and she felt a hysterical laugh bubble up at the Shiro-ness of his gesture.  
  
"Hey,  _hey_. Stay with me. Don't think about it." He paused, dragging his thumb up and down the hollow of her shoulder, gentle but firm to ground her. "...I once had a panic attack, on the observation deck of the Atlas. Lance found me, and  _he_ had a panic attack because I was having one, and we just ended up on the floor clutching each other and gasping like dying fish."

  
She burst into nervous giggles at the analogy, and slapped a hand over her mouth "I'm sorry- it's not funny."  
"Looking back it kind of was." He grinned, and shuffled a little closer until their arms were nearly touching. "Pidge, we don't get brownie points for going through more or less than anyone else, or trying to compare the utter shit that went down. It's trauma- there are no winners or losers. Other peoples' struggles don't lessen yours- It's OK."  
  
Pidge drew in a great, shuddering breath and on the exhale, tears slipped from under her eyelids. Keith's hand squeezed again and she leant into his touch, slumping into his arm. She felt his breath hitch, before he relaxed and moved his hand to her far shoulder, bringing his other arm around her and pulling her against him.

She should feel embarrassed at the damp patch spreading on his tank top, that she was probably going to warp it where she clutched at the fabric with one hand. She should feel awkward sitting in his arms, her other hand grasping at a bare shoulder, sniveling and hiccuping and whole body racking with wet sobs. She should feel guilty, that instead of sleeping or doing something for himself he was sitting in her bunk, letting her mess up his clothes while he took the time to comfort her.

  
If it bothered him he said nothing about it; he stayed silent, turning where he sat to hold her and tucking his chin over her head to rest in her hair.   
  
She became aware of a warm, fuzzy heat wriggling against her, the wolf was trying to burrow under her arms and up to her face, tongue out to lick her chin. She let go of Keith's shoulder to wrap her arm around Kosmo's large blue head, laughing despite herself as he licked at and puffed warm air into her face, unable to keep on crying while a large tail thumped against the mattress, reminiscent of her own dog back on Earth.

  
Keith huffed a laugh, his chest moving once against her head as he let go with one arm to comb his fingers through the thick ruff around the wolf's neck, the other still warm around her shoulders.

  
"He's pretty good, you know. If you want to keep him tonight..."   
"Stay." Pidge said and he frowned, looking down at the wolf as if she'd been speaking to him. "Both of you?" She glanced up at his face, blue lights playing across it as Kosmo pressed closer, still trying to wriggle onto their laps as though he were a regular sized dog, and not longer than some humans were tall. "If either of us need him- I mean, then we can-"  
"Sure." Keith's face was unreadable in the dark as he started shifting, tugging at the rumpled blankets and swinging long legs up to push himself further back onto the bunk.

It wasn't unusual to have slept side by side as paladins. Many times the group had piled in together, after a long mission or during stakeouts. This felt no different, wriggling under the covers and rearranging limbs and pillows until everyone was comfortable.  
  
The small bed was not really built for two people and a large cosmic beast, so there really was no way around the way they huddled together, Pidge's back pressed into his middle. The wolf had spread across the foot of the cot, massive shoulders and head turned up towards them, so Pidge was curled in a ball with Keith's legs drawn up under her.

He was solid around her, and she could feel her muscles begin to relax. The darkness didn't feel nearly as close like this, and Kosmo's snuffles broke the stillness nicely, keeping her head from swimming with the dizzying roar of silence, the steady breathing behind and in front of her making her melt into the mattress.  
  
"Hey," she whispered in the dark, feeling his responding hum vibrate in his chest, "I bet a punch from Shiro would have hurt, huh."  
"I think he nearly dislocated my jaw. He wasn't even awake, it would have been almost impressive if he wasn't so freaked out."

  
Pidge was silent for a moment, contemplating.  
"I'm not a puncher, I don't think so anyway. I doubt I can hit as hard as that anyway."  
"I don't know about that." His shoulders shook with a short laugh through the sleepy haze of his voice, "I've seen you in action. And those elbows are pointy." He made an exaggerated 'oof' as she nudged him in the stomach gently.   
"Thank you, for staying." She said quietly, feeling him nod behind her.

Her eyelids were starting to feel heavy, and she was so warm pressed between the two larger bodies. She shuffled back further into him, planting her feet against the wolf who barely seemed to notice. After a moment an arm wormed under the covers and draped across her middle and the pillows rustled as he buried his face into them.  
"Night, Pidge."  
  
  
________________________  
  
For the second time that night Pidge was woken up. This time she hadn't been dreaming, but something was wrong. She was warm, blanket tucked up around her shoulder, the ship was running, lights still off. 

  
Behind her, Keith twitched again. Kosmo lifted his head, watching intently. Pidge froze, waiting. He shuddered, and the hand that had been wrapped around her middle was suddenly gripping her arm. The fabric of his shirt was clinging in places to both of them, damp with sweat.

  
"Keith, bud." She whispered, tilting her head up, "You awake?"  
There was no response, but he was still twitching, eyes roaming beneath his eyelids.

Pidge had long since debunked the saying about not waking a dreaming person up. It was bullshit when she knew that they were most likely reliving old memories, not conjuring new images.

Easing her wrist through his grip she turned to face him, the blankets pulling at her legs where they were weighed down by the wolf.  
"Keith, you gotta wake up." He was mumbling something, words she couldn't make out, and then there was another violent jerk of his limbs. Beside her Kosmo shifted, picking his way across to crawl over Keith's legs and rumble at him.

  
With a shout his eyes snapped open, and in the dim lights his eyes reflected yellow- eyes reduced to slits and she couldn't stop the squeak of shock.

In one swift motion he was sitting up, hands fisted in his shirt. He was panting, gasping for breath and Kosmo reached up, nuzzling at his cheek until he breathed in deep, air puffing out in a heavy sigh and bowing forward to cover his eyes with one hand.

  
He turned his head and split his fingers to reveal eyes dark under thick eyelashes and tangled hair as he peeked at her. They were human again. His breath was ragged, loud in the room.  

  
"Sorry." He muttered, pushing his face back into his hands. "This was a bad idea- I knew this would happen."   
"I don't mind." She planted her hands on the mattress, pulling herself up to sit, and touched his shoulders. He was trembling and she pulled him to her, folding her arms around him and pressing his cheek against her chest. His face was hot against her collarbone, and he let his weight rest on her, too tired to argue.

  
Her fingers combed through his hair, her turn to lay her head on his. She didn't mention the eyes. She didn't ask what he'd seen. He didn't tell her.

He tilted his head back to press his nose deeper into her neck, and she couldn't help but think how he reminded her of the wolf in that moment as his breath made her hair flutter.

Kosmo moved to lay alongside them, resting his muzzle on the pillows so that he could look up at Keith, guarding them both from the rest of the room.  
"I really don't mind." She said again, kneading her fingertips into his scalp, concentrating on the slowing speed of his breathing against her neck. "You didn't hesitate at all to come sit with me."  
"What are friends for?" He mumbled, reaching blindly to grab the blanket and pull it up around them again.  
"Exactly."

**Author's Note:**

> I want to write about Hunk and Pidge getting drunk together to forget about bad war-related things.
> 
> I can't be the only one who ever rewatched Pidge and Matt's fight when they found each other and thought "careful there Pidgeon you're gonna hurt him" I feel like it would be a recurring theme in nightmares, to dream of losing her brother, or being the cause. 
> 
> The title is a Flyleaf reference, being afraid of silence was something that really struck me hard about the song especially when I stopped being able to sleep in the quiet.
> 
>  
> 
> [ My Twitter where I draw and sew and swoon over Matt Holt](www.twitter.com/FeatherStitched)


End file.
